Alongside my real life I have a career, which may not qualify as exactly real. I am
a painter. I even put that on my passport, in a moment of bravado, since the other choice
would have been housewife. It's an unlikely thing for me to have become; on some days
it still makes me cringe. Respectable people do not become painters: only overblown,
pretentious, theatrical people. The word artist embarrasses me; I prefer painter, because
it's more like a valid job. An artist is a tawdry, lazy sort of thing to be, as most people in
this country will tell you. If you say you are a painter, you will be looked at strangely. [...]
Most of the time though I exult, and think I have had a narrow escape. My career
is why I'm here, on this futon, under this duvet. I'm having a retrospective, my first.
The name of the gallery is Sub-Versions, one of those puns that used to delight me before
they became so fashionable. I ought to be pleased by this retrospective, but my feelings
are mixed; I don't like admitting I'm old enough and established enough to have such
a thing, even at an alternative gallery run by a bunch of women. I find it improbable,
and ominous: first the retrospective, then the morgue. But also I'm cheesed off because
the Art Gallery of Ontario wouldn't do it. Their bias is towards dead, foreign men. [...]
I pull on my powder-blue sweatsuit, my disguise as a non-artist, and go down the four
flights of stairs, trying to look brisk and purposeful. I could be a businesswoman out
jogging, I could be a bank manager, on her day off. [...]
I decide I'll go and have a look at the gallery, which I have never seen because all of this
has been arranged by phone and mail. I don't intend to go in, make myself known, not
yet. I just want to look at it from the outside. I'll walk past, glance casually, pretending
to be a housewife, a tourist, someone window-shopping. Galleries are frightening places,
places of evaluation, of judgment. I have to work up to them.
But before I reach the gallery I come to a wall of plywood, concealing a demolition. [...]
Beside this there's a poster. Or not a poster, more like a flyer: a violent shade of purple,
with green accents and black lettering.
RISLEY IN RETROSPECT, it says; just the last
name, like a boy. The name is mine and so is the face, more or less. It's the photo I sent
the gallery. Except that now I have a moustache.
Whoever drew this moustache knew what he was doing. Or she: nothing precludes
that. It's a curled, flowing moustache, like a cavalier's, with a graceful goatee to match.
It goes with my hair.
I suppose I should be worried about this moustache. Is it just doodling, or is it political
commentary, an act of aggression? [...] I can remember drawing such moustaches myself,
and the spite that went into them, the desire to ridicule, to deflate, and the feeling of
power. It was defacing, it was taking away someone's face. If I were younger I'd resent it.
As it is, I study the moustache and think: That looks sort of good. The moustache
is like a costume. I examine it from several angles, as if I'm considering buying one
for myself. It casts a different light. I think about men and their facial hair, and
the opportunities for disguise and concealment they have always at their disposal.
I think about moustache-covered men, and about how naked they must feel with the
thing shaved off. How diminished. A lot of people would look better in a moustache.
Then, suddenly, I feel wonder. I have achieved, finally, a face that a moustache can
be drawn on, a face that attracts moustaches. A public face, a face worth defacing. This
is an accomplishment. I have made something of myself, something or other, after all.
I wonder if Cordelia will see this poster. I wonder if she'll recognize me, despite
the moustache. Maybe she'll come to the opening. She'll walk in through the door and
I will turn, wearing black as a painter should, looking successful, holding a glass of only
moderately bad wine. I won't spill a drop.